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The worst movies of the 2000s
A decade a cinematic crapulence
By Seth Muller
Published on 01/07/2010
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Editor’s note: Seth Muller, editor of Northern Arizona’s Mountain Living Magazine, has occasionally stepped in to offer movie and DVD reviews for Flag Live. He also has served as one of the judges of the Flagstaff Mountain Film Festival. As a compliment to film editor Dan Stoffel’s picks for some of the best movies of the year (see New Releases), Seth went elbow deep into the garbage disposal to pull out the worst of the worst cinematic bombs from the decade past.
10. Dogville (2003). Indie film lovers flocked to this strange, staged film with Nicole Kidman and Paul Bettiny. It simply takes place on a stage, with a strange fable-like narration. Cardboard cutout set pieces were the most interesting part of the film. I tried to like it, as it was a big part of the Sedona Film Festival last year. But it made me cry in the wrong way.
9. Mondovino (2004). I love documentaries, but this one on the effect of wine in the global market drained all of the flavor out of the topic. It was slow, repetitive and uneven. It did not linger on the palate, despite having a great topic and multiple opportunities to explore it with solid metaphors and interesting parallels.
As a connoisseur of documentaries, I found this one as bland as a bad wine cliché.
8. The Day After Tomorrow (2004). Films that take a serious global crisis and turn it into a carnival of adventure for the sake of selling movie tickets don’t go too far with me. This one should never be a DVD double pack with “An Inconvenient Truth.” I did stand in line outside of Harkins on an unusually hot day, which proved more entertaining and thought-provoking than watching “The Day After Tomorrow.” It’s better to watch the horrors of “An Inconvenient Truth.” It is loaded with Gore.
7. The Matrix Revolutions (2003). The Matrix trilogy wandered into a third act of pure mediocrity. The film had not one sliver of the fun, innovation and inventiveness of the first. It was a downhill slide into an overused metaphorical rabbit hole. A regular rabbit hole would have been more intriguing. “The Matrix” seemed to work best when Keanu Reeves appeared lost and clueless. Maybe it was more believable that way.
6. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000). The worst sequel in movie history was every single thing the original was not. The first “Blair Witch Project” was an antithesis to the normal Hollywood fair, shot on a slim budget and built on the horror of all things unseen in the dark. “Book of Shadows,” with dialogue sounding as if written by a 10-year-old, should have stayed in the shadows. I … am … so … bored.
5. Van Helsing (2004). Hmmm, I weep. A major blockbuster movie that was nothing more than a video game with shoddy special effects. Not even a tightly-corseted Kate Beckinsale could save this movie about a guy who hunts vampires, werewolves and such. Hugh Jackman struggled to keep a straight face as the lead character. And Dracula looked like Bono. I kept waiting for him to sing, “Sunday Bloody Sunday.”
4. Transformers the Movie (2007). The sequel might have been worse, but this started the dumbness of it all. The premise of the movie—that some device causes cars and other vehicles to become sentient robots that like to get involved in battles—turns into a movie that is pure crapulence. It does not even inspire the imagination to think, “What if this car I’m driving is actually a thinking robot that can transform?” It is complete senselessness. If only the robots had remained disguised.
3. Catwoman (2004). This movie is filled with places where the urine makes the litter clumpy. I saw it on cable one day and I thought it was funny that I did not think the film deserved to have the caliber of actress that is Sharon Stone. What does that say about Halle Berry, who has won an Academy Award? Like Beckinsale in “Van Hesling,” costume tightness does not a good movie make. This might be a good note to keep in mind for the 2010s.
2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009). While it’s easy to just shut off the brain and go enjoy a summer popcorn flick, G.I. Joe was so horribly acted, so badly written and so completely implausible that it could not be enjoyed on any level at all. I’m still annoyed to think of the ice sinking into the ocean when the polar ice cap is blown up and people in super suits that can make them run 60 mph. Just get on a motorcycle!
1. Battlefield Earth (2000). I watched this while recovering from gall bladder surgery. It was on HBO. I enjoyed the surgery much better than the film. I hear that Forrest Whitaker is ashamed he was in this movie. He should be. The movie is about a band of aliens called Psychlos who rule Earth and about a human rebellion that develops. The film fails on all levels. John Travolta stars in this movie based on Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s novel, and he pushed for its creation as a Scientologist. Cue the song “Losing My Religion.”
Additional photos for this story:
Hugh Jackman hunts Hollywood bloodsuckers in "Van Helsing."
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John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker pay homage to Scientology in "Battlefield Earth."
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"Woah!" Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving duke it out for dibs on Carrie-Ann Moss in "The Matrix Revolutions."
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Nicole Kidman and friend in "Dogville," the movie everyone tried so hard to like.
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The riveting "Blair Witch 2," a lesson in missed opportunities for restraint.
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